crossing

Much like a link so like an open door, here to there to anywhere on the other side....wide open spaces, empty air.  space and time!  just a gap away.  To cross a line from one side to the other.  So in life....maybe I need to cross the bridge.  A span of time through which we toss. Shall we go forth and find our way in one straight line or will we will go astray? Pitfalls lie in the road ahead, through curves and hills the way is led, we have lingered too long and traveled far to have found that this door has been left open.  There will be steppingstones to cross, just dont want to get lost.  do we see in time the blessed bridge out there beyond the nearest ridge?  Turn back? We can see you now. You are as you were, Forward  we go!  Let your hopes spur. We burn our bridges and start anew. On distant shores, dreams may come true.

supposed to

Its late, my mind has been running, like an old Chevy.  It doesn’t stop, all night long.  No it doesn’t help, never has. Makes me sick most of the time. Physically sick, mentally weak, drained. But then night time comes again….then there goes my mind again….off and running…..these nights are killing me.  The silence its deafening.  I try to pierce it with the TV, fill my ears with music yet the air just consumes the sound, swallowing it whole, leaving behind my thoughts to echo on the walls.  I tried to just jot down the “laundry list” of what I’d think of for tomorrow…. But see I’m too busy during the day to think…. It’s the nights….these nights….

I’m not supposed to be scared.   I’m not supposed to feel alone.  I’m not alone.  There’s no reason to be afraid…. But see….there is. And I am.  I spent many years with someone that took advantage of the fact that I was kicked out of my house long time ago. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to.  From there I She taught me that no one else was going to put up with me expect her.  No one else was going to love me and that this is what love is. This made sense to me considering what I had dealt with growing up.  The arguments, if I had just not said that one thing or just had not done that one thing…then THIS would not be happening to me.  What she can do to me mentally is far worse that anyone can imagine.  And I feel alone.  I look around me….and I am.  I look around me right now, I do not see any one, and it scares me.  I feel insecure and I feel like anyone can come to us and they can take what they want.

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button, but I am not sure where I would want to rewind.  I think I can find mistakes at every corner.  Therefore, I am just breathing.  Taking long deep breathes.  Realizing that life is like an hourglass that cannot be turned over.  I am scared but I’m not supposed to look it or act it.  I know.  How ?

Cracked truth

Cracked but not broken. Seeing is just the beginning.  The stars have aligned and I do not want to love somebody else.  Life is full of messages, placing me exactly where I am supposed to be, at exactly the time I am supposed to be there.  All I have to do is open my eyes and my ears and accept the messages.  Be ready for any challenges be ready to conquer but also accept the beauty and savor the victory. 

This life is meant for sharing.  It is meant to be with someone that my heart calls out for.  It aches.  I did not realize it would.  When this all started I didn’t realize what it would feel like. Never before I had felt like this.  Is this what everyone has talked about?  Is this what the big deal is?  Is this?  With each conversation, with each visit, with each touch, more and more it is getting more difficult to say goodbye.  I let my guard down and talked…

I have always been in pieces, sweeping up and putting back together.  Living day to day, trying not to say or do the wrong thing.  Inevitably, I would.  If only I had not….it was always if I just had not said that one thing…then she would not be be going off….she would not be saying these things.  I wish I could have gone to school but she kept having crisis, I wanted to … I felt like I was falling, fast.  Trying to catch myself keeping up with work and keep harmony but there never was.  I knew relationships took work and that nothing was perfect, I just needed to work harder… it always fell on me.  I needed to fix it so she told me…I was the imperfect one.  She never wanted to visit my family; I always had to beg her to go.  Every time, we would argue. It was always up in the air up until the morning of when she decided that we could go.  Then I would be so happy and full of gratitude.  Forgetting how much I had to fight to go.  She would say I should get together with my friends… then the day of or night before be so sick….saying her stomach hurt or she had migraines and needed me to take care of her or take her to the doctor.  She told me she needed me….. 18 years of ducking, running, walking on eggshells.  I didn’t realize what it was.  I lived this for so long, it wasn’t just 18 years, I had lived this way my entire life. Duck, run , walk on eggshells.  Don’t talk its easier.  Runaway, duck for cover.  This was love.  They told me they loved me.  From birth through 2014, this was the only love I knew.  I grew up with no practically no friends, or if so they were at an arms length away.  In my marriage I wasn’t allowed friends of my own, and if I was, they were to be at an arms length away. So eventually, I didn’t even try anymore.  I didn’t want to fight anymore. I had no energy to fight. I worked all day, came home to take care of my daughter which she just handed me and in which I accept happily.  I still had the house to take care of and my daughter and then SHE wanted to me to take care of her!  She was in competition with my daughter.  Daughter wins every time. When SHE realized that, SHE was done in the relationship and walked out….and I knew it.  SHE took even more steps to make my life even more difficult.  The way she talked to me, the accusations, the conversations…. The lists… oh those lists!!  The intimacy abuse that prevailed throughout the 18 years….constant demanding intimacy when I was unwilling, Demanding or coercing me to engage in sexual activities with which I was uncomfortable with.  These problems….were always my problems…I was the problem.  I was to engage, do as was demanded.  I did for so many years… I did.  I gave up...just did it....until I just couldn't do it anymore.  In 2014 divorce and custody had been settled by the courts.  Now I am a fearful.  As of last week I have re-petitioned the courts and today I sent a certified letter to her formally requesting to move…. I found a wonderful woman, am in a healthy relationship…..I fear the ex.  I fear the sound of my phone blowing up anytime now.  Praying it will be of my love, not of the one I fear. The one I love says she wants someone who is confident…so is the flip she doesn’t want someone who is isn’t confident?  All that I have gone through in my life still I rise, each morning I chose to fight off those come at me, is that not confidence?  I know to some it may not look like confidence for whatever reason, I chose I walk away from all those who have hurt me, and I have taken steps to leave behind and never go back. I think that is confidence.  Maybe it isn’t.  Being honest that I am scared.  I am human. I am not just scared.. I am terrified.  I break out into a cold sweat and my hands shake and I cry.  Maybe that isn’t confidence.  I think that is being human.  I know that I am cracked but I am glad that I am not broken.  There is no one to put me into pieces anymore.  Being alone in this sucks.   None of my friends are really friends because of the isolation that SHE put me in.  I literally have to start over. This is my truth.  As I know it. How do I not fear HER? 

seeing

Can you see me?

Oh dear god, do i have any idea what I have just done?  I just told someone..... Something I have never uttered into existence.  All those words....all at the same time?  My hands were cold.  I did not know how.  My mind had all the images.  I wanted to say more.  I want to show my story.  Then my lips don’t have to move.  Do you have any idea what I have done?  I’m going to do this.  Deep breath.  I can't help the salty tear.  I’m sorry. Let me wake up different tomorrow. Let me wake in my lovers arms.  This part of me I'm happy with. Its such a beautiful feeling.  I'm happier now, having spoken the words.  Feeling free and still loved.  Transformation can begin. Its important, no, its more important to begin the story of now.  Can you see the real me now?  I’m going to do something substantial.   Stand up.  Rise up.  Let this feeling that is in me now swell and overwhelm me like a wave.

Some times

I wish I knew what to say sometimes but I don't. So im quiet. I have a lot inside my head I wish l could say.  And a lot inside my heart but my the words just don't come out.

what if

What if We were meant to take the leap?
What if We were meant to go on the adventure?
What if we

Dorothy

On my darkest of days with deepest of despair

Still my spirit searches but I cannot seem to find my way

Like the frantic child running through the storm.

Or a lost child looking to find their way home.

I still have hope

Hope is something I will always look for and I will find it.

Much Like the silver lining it might just be a tiny shred of light

But knowing that it’s there is what keeps me strong.

I hope to live fearlessly

I hope for joy and laughter

I hope for love

I hope for a happy ever after

And hope is all I'll ever need to find my way back home.

Betrayal of the highest caliber

The ultimate betrayal

The tears.

Sure some say its good let them go. It is natural.  There is nothing wrong with letting them fall. 

I say otherwise.

It’s the ultimate betrayal.

 They will see the tears fall but they are never for anger, not for happiness, nor for sadness or depression.

Fear. My tears are that which betray me;  for they fall when my fears are realized. 

Everytime. Then they know. Fear that they can hurt me, Fear that my heart will break, fear that my family will be hurt.  Fear that once they know me and know my past they will use my past against me.  Fear that once they know what I tolerated that they will feel free do it again to me.  Fear of the future. So it is betrayal that my tears fall.  I hate that they fall.  I hate that they give away such an intimate piece of me. Silently my tears fall.

Rocks

My dearest baby girl
 I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to figure things out.  You mean the world to me.  From the moment I laid eyes on you I fell in love with you.  I didn't know the road we would take. I didn't know the journey we would go on.  I didn't know how you be effected..... I am sorry....so sorry.  Sorry for my decisions.... I am sorry that I allowed myself to create excuses for what was going on with you and for others and not see what was really going on.  When you know better you do better, right?  I hope so at least.  I opened my eyes. I started living my life, ended chapters, hell books for that matter! I pursued answers, knowledge, and even love. Its amazing what happens what happens when you let go...and jump....
So baby girl the story starts out rough and yes we had our tears but I think you know above all else how much I love you. I would go to the moon and back for you.  You know that each and every day I that hold you, its in love.  We are busy making memories, laughing and having the times our of lives.  You know I have your back.  Autism may be a part of you, just as is having brown hair, those beautiful eyes. It does not define you. You have your goals.  Some of those goals are just for the day, some goals are for the week... some are for the year some.... are some for someday.  Yes I want to take you to the Grand Canyon and to Texas!  That is my very next goal!  Promise baby girl! I love that you don't let anything hold you back.  We will figure out your goals, work arounds, and we will do it! Reach for the stars!

words

If I ever there should come a time when I can make up two words.....

One made of a weary wailing sigh hopeless despairing 

The sound is just a baffling cry of love and loneliness and blank and numbing pain. 

The other of all glad sounds that ever breathed on earth 

Of all ecstasies that fill joys cup of love and peace and happiness.

One word I dread and other I love.

One meaning we are alone apart 

the other meaning we are alone together.

More

There is more to me than I show.  I feel like I have been waiting for a sign to show you who I am, more of me.  I need you to know there is more, when I was younger I used to show all I was but I learned to hide all I was.  But I want you to know I will get there I will share all I have and I hope you know there is more to me and I just want you to know I just need a new beginning.  There is nothing to hold me back from doing that.  Come take my hand and we can walk away and we can weather any storm, walk to the sea, over the mountains.  We will always be safe and sound.  We can make the stories and have happy endings.

ties

Search as I will I will find my way with my eyes blindfolded,

my ears deaf

my hands bound

With only my feet and my dreams 

With which to lead me to where I am to be

To be where I  supposed to be

To do what I am supposed to

This life has twists and turns

ups and downs

mountains and plains

Somehow I have come to you

weathered and beaten

but here I am. 

I would be true for those who trust me I would be pure for there are those who care I would be strong for there is much to suffer I would be brave for there is much to dare I would be a friend to all. I would be giving and forget the gift. I would be humble for I know my weaknesses. I would look up and love and laugh and lift.

Falling.....

There's a twist in my story this could be a good life.

I thought it was impossible to find someone like you. 

Your love and your heart is safe with me. 

I just want to be in your presence

So if I lay here, will you lay here with me, can we just forget the world?

In your presence, I can just let it go, 

a little bit at a time.  You make it so easy to just it all go.

when you touch me like you do, you best believe I'm yours.
I sometimes do not know how to say what I'm feeling

I don't dare say out loud for fear someone will hear me...
that with each passing day I think I'm .... 

75%

I can bury the past, i can climb any mountain. I can run faster than anyone. I can shoot myself in the foot.  But when she asks to see other 75% and she says loves the 25% but says how can she fall if she doesn't see the 75%....Im afraid...what if she doesn't...what if she doesn't....what if they were right?  how to let go of the dark, I'll let go and sing in the dark...stand really still....but if they were right?  I can get the shovel, I can my boots on or my running shoes...or ....maybe....we are better off for all those we let in....

Something Great

One day you'll say we are better off together than apart.Someday we'll be together like I how I imagined.Someday I'll walk into your world and get it right and I'll say we're better off together here tonight.  I want something great and I want you. I want you here with me just like how I've picture it, so I don't have to keep imagining it. I want you to bring your everything, is it much to ask? You're all I want, so much its hurting, but it's you i'll ever want. 

So rare

Its something rare to find someone 

To find someone more precious than a friend

Someone who's laugh inspires a smile

I don't know how our lives will blend,

I can't tell what the future holds

These moments are forming special episodes,

But I can say with certainty that something from inside

Keeps telling me I'm glad you've decided to come along for the ride.

Walking this road with someone to share life's joys and disappointments 

Someone to enjoy and celebrate even the little triumphs

Give away

In order to start a new life I have to be willing to give the old life away.

Done.

why me? Why not.

Why?  How many times have I asked my self why me? Not out of pity, but why? When We are out shopping and she starts to tantrum because she heard the word no, I ask myself why me?  I see the disapproving glares.  When we are out with friends and she refuses to interact and I find myself at the receiving end of advice and comparable stories. I can feel the tension, the uneasiness that hangs in the air... I ask myself why me?  When I refuse invitations to attend gatherings or I find myself rearranging my schedule as to avoid going out to the store.  All because her behavior is unpredictable, and I'm not sure how she'll cope.  It all leaves me exhausted. At the end of the day I ask myself the question why me?  But as I fall asleep I know the answer.  Because I can.  Because I will never give up.  Because deep down I know she is capable and if she is so am I.  I can take on this special task, I will support her and encourage her, and I love her through life.  I will do everything I can to make sure she can reach her maximum potential. I will do everything I can for my family.  Why me?  Why not!   

Touched

When you walk in the room
touch me
with just your presence
Touch me
when I'm afraid to ask
Touch me
when I ask
Touch me
with you hands
Touch me
with your lips
Touch me with your heart.

Too late....;-)

It's too late. You've already consumed me. There is no turning back from you,not now. My hands never letting go of yours

Scared

Nothing in this life's seems to have gone right. I'm trying so hard to break ties. Trying so hard to get away from the wrong. I've only associated love with extreme pain and fear. But I know it's not supposed to be that way. I spent too many years putting on a face to hide what was going on. No one is supposed to know. Hide. Always hide. Always do everything I can to stop the fear, stop the yelling, stop the threatening.  Don't complain. Don't say a word about what I want. I have no wants. I have no opinion. It's was of no value. It never was.  I lost friends,they went to the side because she "needed" me suddenly when I would make plans w them. Eventually I gave up. I tried to give what asked of me but it wasn't right...or it wasn't enough...there was just more yelling....and more threats....I couldn't do anything right....all I could do was break. I didn't know what to give. I didn't come first or second...or even THIRD! In anyone's life. See this was my entire life I just stay..because...apparently this is what I deserve....this is what I get....this is love....apparently. I stayed until the day baby girl says the words I am scared.  That's when I was done.  I walked away. Willing to probably never be w anyone I left. I walked away hearing her say no one will ever want to be with me, no one will ever put up w me, and certainly no one will love me. She ends w this is what I get. All the difficulties w raising my daughter alone and the financial burden of raising her alone. While she lived rent free.  But she was wrong....I think...I think....someone found me.  And despite all my broken pieces.....Together.... mind blowing
Now as I try to break ties...I'm horribly scared of those I need to break away from. What I've done over the past couple days is .....beyond frightening. The wrath and the backlash I'm so scared of. They don't tolerate this type of behavior from me.....its just not allowed....its not tolerated .....I don't want to be alone during this.....soooo scared....

How

How do I tell her I want to wrap her and hold her close in my arms? how do I tell her she is all I ever wanted? How do I tell her shes all I ever dreampt of? That I want to hold her hand from now till the end of time? That I want to stay in the moment and let right now be the beginning of forever? When can I tell her that last night was the last time she will have to sleep alone? How can I tell her that I have her back, that I will protect her and hold her close forever? How can I wait patiently when I know that forever is waiting just on the other of now? How can I keep my feelings from showing? I have to keep them in check... keep them in.

I'll hold her hand, I promise not to let go

 I can't promise every once in a while my feelings might show. I'll want to see her, How can I tell her? How can I look in to those beautiful eyes? I get lost in those eyes....I forget to breathe....

stolen

Stolen voice.
They reached inside and stole what was mine.
They never gave me the one thing that was freely mine, the heavenly spirit..
Some monsters come at night. Some in the day. Some monsters are created.
Leaving behind demons.
Missed opportunities.
Stolen time.
Never to happen again.

I found the love I've been looking for, I'll be still until the day she comes calling me home, until then my heart will have to wait. Im glad my heart wont have to break anymore.  My love lives in a place called far away.  sigh.
Ive exposed my flaws, Im not perfect, held together with bandages, sewed back together, glued, duct taped. I have my scars. Ive been knocked down so many times I've lost count, but Ive stood back up. Im a work in progress.
The only thing that is hard is being alone when I want to be with my love. When I want to hold her, kiss her, even just looking over and seeing her. Waking up next to her in this world makes it seem so much better. 

wait

still waiting…..for this life…..for you…..scared if i wait to long but i’m scared to dropped so i’ll wait

show you i can carry you to the finish line.

new