crossing

Much like a link so like an open door, here to there to anywhere on the other side....wide open spaces, empty air.  space and time!  just a gap away.  To cross a line from one side to the other.  So in life....maybe I need to cross the bridge.  A span of time through which we toss. Shall we go forth and find our way in one straight line or will we will go astray? Pitfalls lie in the road ahead, through curves and hills the way is led, we have lingered too long and traveled far to have found that this door has been left open.  There will be steppingstones to cross, just dont want to get lost.  do we see in time the blessed bridge out there beyond the nearest ridge?  Turn back? We can see you now. You are as you were, Forward  we go!  Let your hopes spur. We burn our bridges and start anew. On distant shores, dreams may come true.

supposed to

Its late, my mind has been running, like an old Chevy.  It doesn’t stop, all night long.  No it doesn’t help, never has. Makes me sick most of the time. Physically sick, mentally weak, drained. But then night time comes again….then there goes my mind again….off and running…..these nights are killing me.  The silence its deafening.  I try to pierce it with the TV, fill my ears with music yet the air just consumes the sound, swallowing it whole, leaving behind my thoughts to echo on the walls.  I tried to just jot down the “laundry list” of what I’d think of for tomorrow…. But see I’m too busy during the day to think…. It’s the nights….these nights….

I’m not supposed to be scared.   I’m not supposed to feel alone.  I’m not alone.  There’s no reason to be afraid…. But see….there is. And I am.  I spent many years with someone that took advantage of the fact that I was kicked out of my house long time ago. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to.  From there I She taught me that no one else was going to put up with me expect her.  No one else was going to love me and that this is what love is. This made sense to me considering what I had dealt with growing up.  The arguments, if I had just not said that one thing or just had not done that one thing…then THIS would not be happening to me.  What she can do to me mentally is far worse that anyone can imagine.  And I feel alone.  I look around me….and I am.  I look around me right now, I do not see any one, and it scares me.  I feel insecure and I feel like anyone can come to us and they can take what they want.

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button, but I am not sure where I would want to rewind.  I think I can find mistakes at every corner.  Therefore, I am just breathing.  Taking long deep breathes.  Realizing that life is like an hourglass that cannot be turned over.  I am scared but I’m not supposed to look it or act it.  I know.  How ?

Cracked truth

Cracked but not broken. Seeing is just the beginning.  The stars have aligned and I do not want to love somebody else.  Life is full of messages, placing me exactly where I am supposed to be, at exactly the time I am supposed to be there.  All I have to do is open my eyes and my ears and accept the messages.  Be ready for any challenges be ready to conquer but also accept the beauty and savor the victory. 

This life is meant for sharing.  It is meant to be with someone that my heart calls out for.  It aches.  I did not realize it would.  When this all started I didn’t realize what it would feel like. Never before I had felt like this.  Is this what everyone has talked about?  Is this what the big deal is?  Is this?  With each conversation, with each visit, with each touch, more and more it is getting more difficult to say goodbye.  I let my guard down and talked…

I have always been in pieces, sweeping up and putting back together.  Living day to day, trying not to say or do the wrong thing.  Inevitably, I would.  If only I had not….it was always if I just had not said that one thing…then she would not be be going off….she would not be saying these things.  I wish I could have gone to school but she kept having crisis, I wanted to … I felt like I was falling, fast.  Trying to catch myself keeping up with work and keep harmony but there never was.  I knew relationships took work and that nothing was perfect, I just needed to work harder… it always fell on me.  I needed to fix it so she told me…I was the imperfect one.  She never wanted to visit my family; I always had to beg her to go.  Every time, we would argue. It was always up in the air up until the morning of when she decided that we could go.  Then I would be so happy and full of gratitude.  Forgetting how much I had to fight to go.  She would say I should get together with my friends… then the day of or night before be so sick….saying her stomach hurt or she had migraines and needed me to take care of her or take her to the doctor.  She told me she needed me….. 18 years of ducking, running, walking on eggshells.  I didn’t realize what it was.  I lived this for so long, it wasn’t just 18 years, I had lived this way my entire life. Duck, run , walk on eggshells.  Don’t talk its easier.  Runaway, duck for cover.  This was love.  They told me they loved me.  From birth through 2014, this was the only love I knew.  I grew up with no practically no friends, or if so they were at an arms length away.  In my marriage I wasn’t allowed friends of my own, and if I was, they were to be at an arms length away. So eventually, I didn’t even try anymore.  I didn’t want to fight anymore. I had no energy to fight. I worked all day, came home to take care of my daughter which she just handed me and in which I accept happily.  I still had the house to take care of and my daughter and then SHE wanted to me to take care of her!  She was in competition with my daughter.  Daughter wins every time. When SHE realized that, SHE was done in the relationship and walked out….and I knew it.  SHE took even more steps to make my life even more difficult.  The way she talked to me, the accusations, the conversations…. The lists… oh those lists!!  The intimacy abuse that prevailed throughout the 18 years….constant demanding intimacy when I was unwilling, Demanding or coercing me to engage in sexual activities with which I was uncomfortable with.  These problems….were always my problems…I was the problem.  I was to engage, do as was demanded.  I did for so many years… I did.  I gave up...just did it....until I just couldn't do it anymore.  In 2014 divorce and custody had been settled by the courts.  Now I am a fearful.  As of last week I have re-petitioned the courts and today I sent a certified letter to her formally requesting to move…. I found a wonderful woman, am in a healthy relationship…..I fear the ex.  I fear the sound of my phone blowing up anytime now.  Praying it will be of my love, not of the one I fear. The one I love says she wants someone who is confident…so is the flip she doesn’t want someone who is isn’t confident?  All that I have gone through in my life still I rise, each morning I chose to fight off those come at me, is that not confidence?  I know to some it may not look like confidence for whatever reason, I chose I walk away from all those who have hurt me, and I have taken steps to leave behind and never go back. I think that is confidence.  Maybe it isn’t.  Being honest that I am scared.  I am human. I am not just scared.. I am terrified.  I break out into a cold sweat and my hands shake and I cry.  Maybe that isn’t confidence.  I think that is being human.  I know that I am cracked but I am glad that I am not broken.  There is no one to put me into pieces anymore.  Being alone in this sucks.   None of my friends are really friends because of the isolation that SHE put me in.  I literally have to start over. This is my truth.  As I know it. How do I not fear HER? 

seeing

Can you see me?

Oh dear god, do i have any idea what I have just done?  I just told someone..... Something I have never uttered into existence.  All those words....all at the same time?  My hands were cold.  I did not know how.  My mind had all the images.  I wanted to say more.  I want to show my story.  Then my lips don’t have to move.  Do you have any idea what I have done?  I’m going to do this.  Deep breath.  I can't help the salty tear.  I’m sorry. Let me wake up different tomorrow. Let me wake in my lovers arms.  This part of me I'm happy with. Its such a beautiful feeling.  I'm happier now, having spoken the words.  Feeling free and still loved.  Transformation can begin. Its important, no, its more important to begin the story of now.  Can you see the real me now?  I’m going to do something substantial.   Stand up.  Rise up.  Let this feeling that is in me now swell and overwhelm me like a wave.