breathe in and exhale

I need to breathe.  I need to remember to breathe.... in and out....in and out....minute...by minute.  I am not enjoying this feeling.  I need to escape this feeling.  I need to get away from it.  I can't risk the possibilities.  I'll take Emma and escape.  I don't know how I will sleep with my stomach in knots and lump in my throat, my heart racing and thoughts going through my mind of what if.  Those cold dead eyes and evil voice that will forever echo in my ears.  How do I risk remaining here on my own, so isolated, as I have no friends and no family here? My only connection here my only sense of safe and security is not here.   Its hard to imagine opening myself up to that vulnerability and possible exposure when I can just run.

fears

fear rules my life.  I am always looking behind me.  My head tells me one thing but my insticts tell me another.  I feel my heart race and my breath quicken.  No one understands that when I leaveI need to feel secure.  I need to feel calm.  No one understands this.  I can't really expect anyone to, no one else has ever felt this way.  Im going to be all alone here for the next few days and I think I can feel myself puke at the thought of it.  So i'm trying very hard not to.  trying to distract myself.  but the back of my mind the stirrings of that  fact remain, i'll be alone....maybe they'll know... maybe thats when I'll get a knock on my door or when I'm out....nooo....

puzzled heart

I sit up late at night at night worrying.
This is no easy life. I've known this for years.
I resigned myself to raising my daughter knowing she's no easy cause.
Eight  hours with her alone can be tough. Even if she is trying to be good. Two weeks with us maybe I was wrong. What if I was wrong? What if this person just can't do it. And it'll just break my heart?  Maybe it was wrong to expect some one to be able to step into this life and be able to handle it. I had such high hopes. I can't have someone hide from us. My daughter is 24/7.  Not when you feel liked it. Maybe it was wrong to look for love.  I am wonderfully in love but am afraid she can't do this. I won't burden anyone... As a result of the burden Not being able to see them for days because she is so difficult to care for and me... So heartbreaking. Because I love her so much I want her so much and I love my daughter so... But if the two worlds can't meet I can't have someone run away from us every couple weeks knowing it was too hard.

I sit up late at night at night worrying.
This is no easy life. I've known this for years.
I resigned myself to raising my daughter knowing she's no easy cause.
Eight  hours with her alone can be tough. Even if she is trying to be good. Two weeks with us maybe I was wrong. What if I was wrong? What if this person just can't do it. And it'll just break my heart?  Maybe it was wrong to expect some one to be able to step into this life and be able to handle it. I had such high hopes. I can't have someone hide from us. My daughter is 24/7.  Not when you feel liked it. Maybe it was wrong to look for love.  I am wonderfully in love but am afraid she can't do this.