This life is meant for sharing. It is meant to be with someone that my heart calls out for. It aches. I did not realize it would. When this all started I didn’t realize what it would feel like. Never before I had felt like this. Is this what everyone has talked about? Is this what the big deal is? Is this? With each conversation, with each visit, with each touch, more and more it is getting more difficult to say goodbye. I let my guard down and talked…
I have always been in pieces, sweeping up and putting back together. Living day to day, trying not to say or do the wrong thing. Inevitably, I would. If only I had not….it was always if I just had not said that one thing…then she would not be be going off….she would not be saying these things. I wish I could have gone to school but she kept having crisis, I wanted to … I felt like I was falling, fast. Trying to catch myself keeping up with work and keep harmony but there never was. I knew relationships took work and that nothing was perfect, I just needed to work harder… it always fell on me. I needed to fix it so she told me…I was the imperfect one. She never wanted to visit my family; I always had to beg her to go. Every time, we would argue. It was always up in the air up until the morning of when she decided that we could go. Then I would be so happy and full of gratitude. Forgetting how much I had to fight to go. She would say I should get together with my friends… then the day of or night before be so sick….saying her stomach hurt or she had migraines and needed me to take care of her or take her to the doctor. She told me she needed me….. 18 years of ducking, running, walking on eggshells. I didn’t realize what it was. I lived this for so long, it wasn’t just 18 years, I had lived this way my entire life. Duck, run , walk on eggshells. Don’t talk its easier. Runaway, duck for cover. This was love. They told me they loved me. From birth through 2014, this was the only love I knew. I grew up with no practically no friends, or if so they were at an arms length away. In my marriage I wasn’t allowed friends of my own, and if I was, they were to be at an arms length away. So eventually, I didn’t even try anymore. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I had no energy to fight. I worked all day, came home to take care of my daughter which she just handed me and in which I accept happily. I still had the house to take care of and my daughter and then SHE wanted to me to take care of her! She was in competition with my daughter. Daughter wins every time. When SHE realized that, SHE was done in the relationship and walked out….and I knew it. SHE took even more steps to make my life even more difficult. The way she talked to me, the accusations, the conversations…. The lists… oh those lists!! The intimacy abuse that prevailed throughout the 18 years….constant demanding intimacy when I was unwilling, Demanding or coercing me to engage in sexual activities with which I was uncomfortable with. These problems….were always my problems…I was the problem. I was to engage, do as was demanded. I did for so many years… I did. I gave up...just did it....until I just couldn't do it anymore. In 2014 divorce and custody had been settled by the courts. Now I am a fearful. As of last week I have re-petitioned the courts and today I sent a certified letter to her formally requesting to move…. I found a wonderful woman, am in a healthy relationship…..I fear the ex. I fear the sound of my phone blowing up anytime now. Praying it will be of my love, not of the one I fear. The one I love says she wants someone who is confident…so is the flip she doesn’t want someone who is isn’t confident? All that I have gone through in my life still I rise, each morning I chose to fight off those come at me, is that not confidence? I know to some it may not look like confidence for whatever reason, I chose I walk away from all those who have hurt me, and I have taken steps to leave behind and never go back. I think that is confidence. Maybe it isn’t. Being honest that I am scared. I am human. I am not just scared.. I am terrified. I break out into a cold sweat and my hands shake and I cry. Maybe that isn’t confidence. I think that is being human. I know that I am cracked but I am glad that I am not broken. There is no one to put me into pieces anymore. Being alone in this sucks. None of my friends are really friends because of the isolation that SHE put me in. I literally have to start over. This is my truth. As I know it. How do I not fear HER?
No comments:
Post a Comment