supposed to

Its late, my mind has been running, like an old Chevy.  It doesn’t stop, all night long.  No it doesn’t help, never has. Makes me sick most of the time. Physically sick, mentally weak, drained. But then night time comes again….then there goes my mind again….off and running…..these nights are killing me.  The silence its deafening.  I try to pierce it with the TV, fill my ears with music yet the air just consumes the sound, swallowing it whole, leaving behind my thoughts to echo on the walls.  I tried to just jot down the “laundry list” of what I’d think of for tomorrow…. But see I’m too busy during the day to think…. It’s the nights….these nights….

I’m not supposed to be scared.   I’m not supposed to feel alone.  I’m not alone.  There’s no reason to be afraid…. But see….there is. And I am.  I spent many years with someone that took advantage of the fact that I was kicked out of my house long time ago. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to.  From there I She taught me that no one else was going to put up with me expect her.  No one else was going to love me and that this is what love is. This made sense to me considering what I had dealt with growing up.  The arguments, if I had just not said that one thing or just had not done that one thing…then THIS would not be happening to me.  What she can do to me mentally is far worse that anyone can imagine.  And I feel alone.  I look around me….and I am.  I look around me right now, I do not see any one, and it scares me.  I feel insecure and I feel like anyone can come to us and they can take what they want.

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button, but I am not sure where I would want to rewind.  I think I can find mistakes at every corner.  Therefore, I am just breathing.  Taking long deep breathes.  Realizing that life is like an hourglass that cannot be turned over.  I am scared but I’m not supposed to look it or act it.  I know.  How ?