throwing my pride to the floor

after much time and thought...considerations I have decided to go this route... how I have never thought i would do this.  I would rather just dig my heals in and wait and figure it out....but I dont know how else to do this.  I have so many bills at this point and they are just piling up.  I am trying to figure it out.  Trying to figure out how am I going to do this? How on earth and I am going to achieve my goals....wait....what is my goal?  I think my goals are going to have to change....but to what and how? yeah.  anyway.  I have mega bills I have my traffic tickets in ny that I still have to pay I am sure they are wondering where I am and when I am going to start paying on that.  Then not to mention left over ny bills from having left.  Then new bills from here....this just isnt' cool.  A single income even at full time is going to be  a challenge but aside from that at least having all our stuff here in CT we can begin the process of closing that chapter...

https://www.gofundme.com/tyneh

Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life. Healing can start by letting go of regrets, forgiving those that have hurt, and learning to forgive myself. With time and courage telling my story without pain in my heart the ache in my soul and without the tears. This is how I can measure that healing process has begun. I hope to find someone who can find the beauty in my scars. I hope someone can walk through the front door every time and smile at me and who will never leave me guess as to how they feel about me. I hope to find someone who will never hesitate to love me for me for who I am and who I will become. Who doesn’t just give me piece of their time but its entirety. I hope to find someone who is my biggest supporter who is not just seeking attention but gives it in return. Fall in love with my best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and know they’ll hold judgment. Someone who knows the darkest parts of me and loves me anyway, that knows all my flaws and loves me not in spite of them but because of them. Not someone that I can’t live without, but someone that I don’t want to live without. Someone that I want to experience all of life’s ups and downs with. Someone who will hold their hand through the worst times of my life. When they see me at my worst, when I’m broken, and they don’t run away but help me put the pieces back together. Now that is real love.

who I would like

I think everyone is deserving of love. No matter the past.  And maybe the present is complicated.  Maybe, just maybe, someone is willing to accept "complicated"  and offer solutions or to stand in the complications in hopes of moving forward into the future.  

I want  to find someone who loves me well.  By that I mean someone who will never belittle me.  Who in the heat of the argument will still be gentle, respects the fragility of life but not expects life to be broken just because we talk.  Who is patient, forgiving and apologetic.  Someone who knows their strength but doesn't use it to intimidate. Someone who knows not only where I have been and where I am but also knows  where I am headed and encourages the best parts of me.  They know what I am made of and what I am capable of, and celebrates those pieces of me.  Somebody who will love me for all the imperfections and with whom I not be made to feel guilty, Its important to remember that we are all broken at some point in our lives, that not a single person in this world is perfect and that its not fair to hold anyone to that standard.  Someone who loves deliberately and intentionally everyday.  Who is simple, compassionate,  and understanding but not just to me but with anyone from the waitress to the homeless.  That's who I want.  

climbing

I climb
and I ask myself can I do this? Is it possible?
If I climb this mountain, this huge mountain, what looks like an insurmountable mountain.... will I be done?
Oh sure close my eyes, take a deep breath, reach, step... but it doesn't take the mountain away.  it will never take the mountain way.
Because you know what happens?
I know because I climbed it.....
I stood on top after I had clawed my way to the top, scratched, bruised and exhausted and here is the secret of what is on the other side....
more mountains.
yup.
not grassy plains
no fields of flowers,
no creeks, streams or rivers,
more mountains.  rocky, jagged, with cliffs and peaks
that require more climbing and more clawing.
So I ask myself "Do I think I can do this? Is this possible?"
I ask myself every time I think about it.....  ok that sounds horrible, that sounds dramatic.  but every time an image comes across my mind and I find I can't breathe I end up asking myself those questions.  I know I'm supposed to think of my family. I know I'm supposed to think of my plans that i have in place. I know. and each week the doctor lady asks me "So how are things?"...i feel bad like Im supposed to say "Great i'm all healed. its fantastic. thanks.  i'm all good." She asked me "What do you think about the new exercise when you have these thoughts?"...Decided to answer honestly...I said "Overwhelmed.... there are allllllll these thoughts..... compared to this one little thought......its overwhelming."
I'm not sure its possible.  It seems the path from here to there, from this kind of darkness to the light, from this kind of pain to relief and joy.

corner

This is where I leave you I have no idea where I want to go. I walk around wondering if it is too late for me. I worry if I am too far gone and if I am just here to raise my daughter and I am not really here for me. I am not deserving to be here for me. I have no use for myself.  There is nothing here for me.  I was used up long ago.  I am as though just a vessel with no other purpose.  I have no goals.  I have nothing left.  I used to have something in mind. I used to know what I wanted.  I had big dreams I had things that I wanted to achieve.  Now I want to crawl into a hole. Now I want to shrivel up, I can barely breathe.  I can barely sleep.  I cannot see. 

line of demarcation

I drew that line in the sand. The wind blew. And it disappeared. I felt bad anyway. Who wants lines? Why should there be lines? Everyone tells me be the good child, be the good daughter, no lines in the sand. They know all about the lines in the sand, they should have taught me all about the lines in the sand anyway. So I should have no worries. But of course there are worries. They are them, I am me. So in this real world because of this reality that is my own… I drew a line of demarcation a year ago. I am not foolish. I realize with my family's connections they will figure out my whereabouts and I run the strong risk of them finding me and eventually contacting me in some way…. And i live with that. And so I breathe. Deep breath in slow exhale out. I know what to do if they show up. There is a plan in place. My daughter will never know them. My family is much like the mob. There were rules in the family such as: You don’t talk about what goes on in the family to anyone else, this was what I was told when I was a child. You don’t leave or go anywhere without them knowing, not as a child...or as an adult. Don’t rock the boat, Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. I was instructed how to behave, how to never betray the family secrets or how to remain silent. That said leaving seems almost unthinkable but somehow by those that were supposed to have taught me boundaries and lessons I learned were completely come to find out completely unreliable. So I had to learn to draw the line of demarcation to figure out the interaction on my own. Out of the blue. It struck them out like they never saw it coming. I made my own decision to protect my future. I made my decision to protect my own mental health. I decided to protect my family, be it my daughter, my future partner from the ill effects that controlled me for all my years. I was no longer going to partake in the charade that I was this daugher in this family. So there I was… standing alone. Holding my daughter's hand. We stand here we are in this world looking to make our way.

Beans

What if today was the day? The day when the book ended and a new book was opened and you were the author? What the story be? How would it end and how would the next story begin? How awesome would it be if life were to be just that simple? Forget and move on.  Be strong and resilient. And for most that is so easy and just that simple. How I wish it could be that simple. Every night. I am up late. I don't sleep. I haven't slept in years...a solid nights sleep... Only on a rare occasion can I sleep safe and sound...i cherish those night. I hold on tight and love them dearly. I'm starting to think I'm a lost cause. I mean maybe I am. I may really only be able to raise my daughter. I don't think I can recover from this inside, if my love is going to wait thinking I am going to.... I'm scared for her. Hell I'm scared for me. I can hardly breath most days. Yesterday I did have a tiny victory. I didn't run away, at a time when I normally would've. Instead of running I was mapping out routes and locations.... Yeah not a huge victory but I still didn't run, I stayed put and kept a level head. I'm trying to  meditate. I'm still not seeing any other huge wins. I don't think I'm worth a hill of beans. But hopefully I can figure out how to do this.