breathe in and exhale

I need to breathe.  I need to remember to breathe.... in and out....in and out....minute...by minute.  I am not enjoying this feeling.  I need to escape this feeling.  I need to get away from it.  I can't risk the possibilities.  I'll take Emma and escape.  I don't know how I will sleep with my stomach in knots and lump in my throat, my heart racing and thoughts going through my mind of what if.  Those cold dead eyes and evil voice that will forever echo in my ears.  How do I risk remaining here on my own, so isolated, as I have no friends and no family here? My only connection here my only sense of safe and security is not here.   Its hard to imagine opening myself up to that vulnerability and possible exposure when I can just run.

fears

fear rules my life.  I am always looking behind me.  My head tells me one thing but my insticts tell me another.  I feel my heart race and my breath quicken.  No one understands that when I leaveI need to feel secure.  I need to feel calm.  No one understands this.  I can't really expect anyone to, no one else has ever felt this way.  Im going to be all alone here for the next few days and I think I can feel myself puke at the thought of it.  So i'm trying very hard not to.  trying to distract myself.  but the back of my mind the stirrings of that  fact remain, i'll be alone....maybe they'll know... maybe thats when I'll get a knock on my door or when I'm out....nooo....

puzzled heart

I sit up late at night at night worrying.
This is no easy life. I've known this for years.
I resigned myself to raising my daughter knowing she's no easy cause.
Eight  hours with her alone can be tough. Even if she is trying to be good. Two weeks with us maybe I was wrong. What if I was wrong? What if this person just can't do it. And it'll just break my heart?  Maybe it was wrong to expect some one to be able to step into this life and be able to handle it. I had such high hopes. I can't have someone hide from us. My daughter is 24/7.  Not when you feel liked it. Maybe it was wrong to look for love.  I am wonderfully in love but am afraid she can't do this. I won't burden anyone... As a result of the burden Not being able to see them for days because she is so difficult to care for and me... So heartbreaking. Because I love her so much I want her so much and I love my daughter so... But if the two worlds can't meet I can't have someone run away from us every couple weeks knowing it was too hard.

I sit up late at night at night worrying.
This is no easy life. I've known this for years.
I resigned myself to raising my daughter knowing she's no easy cause.
Eight  hours with her alone can be tough. Even if she is trying to be good. Two weeks with us maybe I was wrong. What if I was wrong? What if this person just can't do it. And it'll just break my heart?  Maybe it was wrong to expect some one to be able to step into this life and be able to handle it. I had such high hopes. I can't have someone hide from us. My daughter is 24/7.  Not when you feel liked it. Maybe it was wrong to look for love.  I am wonderfully in love but am afraid she can't do this.

miles from here

I'm miles away

I've been changing the hard way

What I'm looking for are the answers today

To why these questions that never go away

Questions of how

How many years can I pretend?

So many years not knowing how to defend

No more holding it in

Feeling as though I had no choice

Feeling as though I had no voice

I’m not coming back to that town.

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now

I’ve been thinking

That feeling of sinking

Ive been letting go

Letting go of all that I know

No more sitting in this place

No more staying in this lonely space

I’ve been giving up.

I’ve been stuck

I’m now far away

Far from the games that were played

Far from where I used to be

Far from those who thought, they had me

Far from what once was

So glad I’m gone because

Now the road is paved

I know I've been saved

With sun shining on my pain

Showing my flaws, scars and shame

Watch me wave

Waving goodbye

Goodbye to yesterday

Nothing left in my way

Never wanting to look back

I have to know that I am on the right track

Feels so good to say

I'm so far away

I open my eyes and my heart

My arms part

I open to the wonder

I surrender

maybe

I've never been one to be bragged about
I was never one to be doted upon
I was never one to impress
I have a quick smile
Quicker to look away
My story like no other
My story is like everyone elses
Late at night I relive it my story.
Told all my days that I wasn't smart enough
That there wasn't a single beautiful thing about me
Mostly wishing there was a way to get away from the skin I was in
When I close my eyes I can still see it all
My hands get cold, I can still feel the fear in my heart.
I try for it to not to define me
I wanted to defy to voices that echo from those distant memories
I have wanted to dream big ever since I was little
Learning to live in the moment, for today.
not living with regrets.
I can laugh and smile and joke around
pretending like nothing has ever happened to me
sometimes while I  am busy pretending and moving past it all
the past creeps back in, in the most unusual ways.
I know the importance of talking, the importance of actual communicating
But showing my weakness to anyone, can be so hard.
Showing fear, telling my stories, you will never know.
You dont know what it was like.
Have you ever felt something to the core?  Felt something good wash over you?
Felt something so evil that it sent your body shuddering?
Have you ever heard something that echos in your ears, wishing to god you were deaf.
You will never know.
I tried to move past, let it not define me.  I've used it to propel forward.
I may never be that someone to be proud of, I may not ever be that one gets doted on.
I may never be that one....to bring home.
It is a reality.  I can't separate the past from my present from my future.  Just as I cannot separate my daughter and I.  So i guess its all right.  Since there is nothing that can be done to change the past and there is nothing in the future that can ever change that.  So I guess it has to be all right.

tomorrow

Have you ever reached that point in your life where tomorrow scares you? It leave you without a single breath in your lungs, it literally feels as though youre being suffocated by some sort of invisible being?  Have you ever reached that point in your life where there's a lump in your throat?. You can't speak?. There are no words to express wants or needs or appreciation. Have you ever been to that point where supposed friends or family offer nothing more judging words and harsher criticism than a helpful supportive comment. Have you ever been at that point in your life? And then add in the fact that there is a little girl who is so dependent on her routines and on her consistent surroundings and the fact that non of that is there.... And that I'm dealing with the moment to moment deluge of her behavior challenges during this time while she struggles with this most difficult of circumstances. None of this is optimal. Dealing with her angry outbursts and impatience is a struggle under normal circumstances by myself but this, this is in no way even a shade close, this is a whole different crayon box. Late at night after I put her to bed I close my door to my bedroom and just let it out the fear and anger. I try to let it go and try to swear it off.  But only to wake the next morning after a couple hours of sleep, in a cold sweat, feeling my heart pounding, beating against my chest, so fast it's like a race car. My hands are cold and clammy, trembling. So I don't hold anything, that way no one notices     Have you ever been there?. Probably not. You probably couldn't understand.