what if

What if We were meant to take the leap?
What if We were meant to go on the adventure?
What if we

Dorothy

On my darkest of days with deepest of despair

Still my spirit searches but I cannot seem to find my way

Like the frantic child running through the storm.

Or a lost child looking to find their way home.

I still have hope

Hope is something I will always look for and I will find it.

Much Like the silver lining it might just be a tiny shred of light

But knowing that it’s there is what keeps me strong.

I hope to live fearlessly

I hope for joy and laughter

I hope for love

I hope for a happy ever after

And hope is all I'll ever need to find my way back home.

Betrayal of the highest caliber

The ultimate betrayal

The tears.

Sure some say its good let them go. It is natural.  There is nothing wrong with letting them fall. 

I say otherwise.

It’s the ultimate betrayal.

 They will see the tears fall but they are never for anger, not for happiness, nor for sadness or depression.

Fear. My tears are that which betray me;  for they fall when my fears are realized. 

Everytime. Then they know. Fear that they can hurt me, Fear that my heart will break, fear that my family will be hurt.  Fear that once they know me and know my past they will use my past against me.  Fear that once they know what I tolerated that they will feel free do it again to me.  Fear of the future. So it is betrayal that my tears fall.  I hate that they fall.  I hate that they give away such an intimate piece of me. Silently my tears fall.

Rocks

My dearest baby girl
 I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to figure things out.  You mean the world to me.  From the moment I laid eyes on you I fell in love with you.  I didn't know the road we would take. I didn't know the journey we would go on.  I didn't know how you be effected..... I am sorry....so sorry.  Sorry for my decisions.... I am sorry that I allowed myself to create excuses for what was going on with you and for others and not see what was really going on.  When you know better you do better, right?  I hope so at least.  I opened my eyes. I started living my life, ended chapters, hell books for that matter! I pursued answers, knowledge, and even love. Its amazing what happens what happens when you let go...and jump....
So baby girl the story starts out rough and yes we had our tears but I think you know above all else how much I love you. I would go to the moon and back for you.  You know that each and every day I that hold you, its in love.  We are busy making memories, laughing and having the times our of lives.  You know I have your back.  Autism may be a part of you, just as is having brown hair, those beautiful eyes. It does not define you. You have your goals.  Some of those goals are just for the day, some goals are for the week... some are for the year some.... are some for someday.  Yes I want to take you to the Grand Canyon and to Texas!  That is my very next goal!  Promise baby girl! I love that you don't let anything hold you back.  We will figure out your goals, work arounds, and we will do it! Reach for the stars!

words

If I ever there should come a time when I can make up two words.....

One made of a weary wailing sigh hopeless despairing 

The sound is just a baffling cry of love and loneliness and blank and numbing pain. 

The other of all glad sounds that ever breathed on earth 

Of all ecstasies that fill joys cup of love and peace and happiness.

One word I dread and other I love.

One meaning we are alone apart 

the other meaning we are alone together.

More

There is more to me than I show.  I feel like I have been waiting for a sign to show you who I am, more of me.  I need you to know there is more, when I was younger I used to show all I was but I learned to hide all I was.  But I want you to know I will get there I will share all I have and I hope you know there is more to me and I just want you to know I just need a new beginning.  There is nothing to hold me back from doing that.  Come take my hand and we can walk away and we can weather any storm, walk to the sea, over the mountains.  We will always be safe and sound.  We can make the stories and have happy endings.

ties

Search as I will I will find my way with my eyes blindfolded,

my ears deaf

my hands bound

With only my feet and my dreams 

With which to lead me to where I am to be

To be where I  supposed to be

To do what I am supposed to

This life has twists and turns

ups and downs

mountains and plains

Somehow I have come to you

weathered and beaten

but here I am. 

I would be true for those who trust me I would be pure for there are those who care I would be strong for there is much to suffer I would be brave for there is much to dare I would be a friend to all. I would be giving and forget the gift. I would be humble for I know my weaknesses. I would look up and love and laugh and lift.