Scared

Nothing in this life's seems to have gone right. I'm trying so hard to break ties. Trying so hard to get away from the wrong. I've only associated love with extreme pain and fear. But I know it's not supposed to be that way. I spent too many years putting on a face to hide what was going on. No one is supposed to know. Hide. Always hide. Always do everything I can to stop the fear, stop the yelling, stop the threatening.  Don't complain. Don't say a word about what I want. I have no wants. I have no opinion. It's was of no value. It never was.  I lost friends,they went to the side because she "needed" me suddenly when I would make plans w them. Eventually I gave up. I tried to give what asked of me but it wasn't right...or it wasn't enough...there was just more yelling....and more threats....I couldn't do anything right....all I could do was break. I didn't know what to give. I didn't come first or second...or even THIRD! In anyone's life. See this was my entire life I just stay..because...apparently this is what I deserve....this is what I get....this is love....apparently. I stayed until the day baby girl says the words I am scared.  That's when I was done.  I walked away. Willing to probably never be w anyone I left. I walked away hearing her say no one will ever want to be with me, no one will ever put up w me, and certainly no one will love me. She ends w this is what I get. All the difficulties w raising my daughter alone and the financial burden of raising her alone. While she lived rent free.  But she was wrong....I think...I think....someone found me.  And despite all my broken pieces.....Together.... mind blowing
Now as I try to break ties...I'm horribly scared of those I need to break away from. What I've done over the past couple days is .....beyond frightening. The wrath and the backlash I'm so scared of. They don't tolerate this type of behavior from me.....its just not allowed....its not tolerated .....I don't want to be alone during this.....soooo scared....

How

How do I tell her I want to wrap her and hold her close in my arms? how do I tell her she is all I ever wanted? How do I tell her shes all I ever dreampt of? That I want to hold her hand from now till the end of time? That I want to stay in the moment and let right now be the beginning of forever? When can I tell her that last night was the last time she will have to sleep alone? How can I tell her that I have her back, that I will protect her and hold her close forever? How can I wait patiently when I know that forever is waiting just on the other of now? How can I keep my feelings from showing? I have to keep them in check... keep them in.

I'll hold her hand, I promise not to let go

 I can't promise every once in a while my feelings might show. I'll want to see her, How can I tell her? How can I look in to those beautiful eyes? I get lost in those eyes....I forget to breathe....

stolen

Stolen voice.
They reached inside and stole what was mine.
They never gave me the one thing that was freely mine, the heavenly spirit..
Some monsters come at night. Some in the day. Some monsters are created.
Leaving behind demons.
Missed opportunities.
Stolen time.
Never to happen again.

I found the love I've been looking for, I'll be still until the day she comes calling me home, until then my heart will have to wait. Im glad my heart wont have to break anymore.  My love lives in a place called far away.  sigh.
Ive exposed my flaws, Im not perfect, held together with bandages, sewed back together, glued, duct taped. I have my scars. Ive been knocked down so many times I've lost count, but Ive stood back up. Im a work in progress.
The only thing that is hard is being alone when I want to be with my love. When I want to hold her, kiss her, even just looking over and seeing her. Waking up next to her in this world makes it seem so much better. 

wait

still waiting…..for this life…..for you…..scared if i wait to long but i’m scared to dropped so i’ll wait

show you i can carry you to the finish line.

new

Keeping up

Trying to keep up w technology!!  shouldve known there was an app for that. Amazing.