Learned

I learned at a very young age I would not measure up. I was nothing like my brother. I would never be smart enough to make it through college. No matter what I did as a child I would never be able to make them proud or happy. I would hear them tout on my brothers accomplishments as a child straight through to adulthood. He could do no wrong. All I ever did was wrong. Anytime something went wrong in my home it was always my fault, No questions asked. No open ears. Judgment passed. Sentence given. Punishment administered. And it was always harsh. Always. Swift and unrelenting. It was incredibly painful. I have kept my fear of school and fear of failing at it from continuing my education. I have not completed my degree. I need to figure out how to get pass that. 

Beyond that my relationship with my brother...I can’t be myself around him. I know I can’t measure up. I know no matter what I do it won't be enough. Then worse yet. This transferred to others...others that I love. I’m afraid to relax and be myself...fear of being rejected. What if she doesn’t like the real me. The process is very painful. I want to put everything away in a box. Each and every single thing in its own box. Bury it. Never look at it again. I want it to be done now. I don’t want it to be drawn it. Things from my childhood. Things from my previous marriage. All of it. Just done and buried. Is that too much to ask? I just want to focus on here and now. I may not ever want to be alone. I may not ever be the type of person who dines out at a restaurant by herself. But maybe someday the nightmares will go away and maybe someday I will not see images flash before my eyes of my past. I want to believe in my strength and in my ability to persevere. I want to believe that no matter what in the end finding that peace resides in the mind, and that love lives in the heart.